Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Flying Curmudgeon

The following letter was sent in to the "Customer Service" (Disservice?) department of a major airline recently:

"Dear (Major Airline):

I am disgusted as I write this note to you about the miserable experience I am having sitting in seat 29E on one of your aircrafts. (sic)

As you may know, this seat is situated directly across from the lavatory, so close that I can reach out my left arm and touch the door.

All my senses are being tortured simultaneously. It's difficult to say what the worst part about sitting in 29E really is? (sic)

Is it the stentch (sic) of the sanitation fluid that is blown all over my body every 60 seconds when the door opens? Is it the whooosh (sic) of the constant flushing? Or, is it the passengers (sic) asses that seem to fit into my personal space like a pornographic jig-saw puzzel? (sic)

I constructed a stink-shield by shoving one end of a blanket into the overhead compartment - while effective in blocking at least some of the smell, and offering a small bit of privacy, the ass-on-my-body factor has increased, as without my evil glare, passengers feel free to lean up against what they think is some kind of blanketed wall.

The next ass that touches my shoulder will be the last!

I am picturing a board room. (sic) full of executives giving props to the young promising engineer that figured out how to squeeze an additional row of seats onto this plane by putting them next to the lav.

(In this section, the harrassed passenger scrawled a cartoon picture of what his seat looked like next to the lav, complete with a depiction of fumes rising off the lav.)

I would like to flush his head in the toilet that I am close enough to touch (and taste) from my seat.

Putting a seat here was a very bad idea. I just heard a man groan in there! This sucks!

(Here, the passenger put a cartoon picture of himself seated in seat 29E, with another passenger's rear end right in his face with the words: "Depiction of man's butt in my face.")

Worse yet, (sic) is I've paid over $400.00 for the honor of sitting in this seat!

Does your company give refunds? I'd like to go back where I came from and start over. Seat 29E could only be worse if it was located inside the bathroom.

I wonder if my clothing will retain the sanitizing odor...what about my hair! (sic)

I feel like I am bathing in a toilet bowl of blue liquid, and there is no man in a little boat to save me. I am filled with a deep hatred for your plane designer and a general dis-ease that may last for hours.

We are finally descending, and soon I will be able to tear down the stink-shield, but the scars will remain.

I suggest that you initiate immediate removal of this seat from all of your crafts. (sic) Just remove it, and leave the smouldering brown hole empty, a good place for sturdy/non-absorbing luggage maybe, but not human cargo."

Can you relate to this poor passenger's plight?

"Come fly the friendly skies."

"We love to fly and it shows."

"Coffee, tea or me?"

Where did THOSE days go?

What ever happened to Juan Trippe and the China Clipper?

In this day and age of poor service, overcrowded terminals and aircraft, the Golden Age of Commercial Aviation seems like a long time ago, doesn't it?

Lord knows, commercial air travel is not what it used to be.

With TSA and long security lines in the post-9/11 world, overworked and underpaid airline employees, and the increasingly-more-crowded skies, is it any wonder flying is not what it used to be?

Welcome to The Flying Curmudgeon!

This blog is dedicated to all of those Frequent Fliers out there who are sick of being treated like "Road Kill of the Skies" and have been looking for a place to vent.

Have a horror story about a recent trip you'd like to share? Have a screaming kid kick the back of your seat all the way from New York to LA, while his parents sit blissfully unaware of your torment?

Got a funny story from your last business trip?

This is the place to post it!

Nothing is out of bounds.

As your blogmaster and as a commercial airline captain, from time-to-time, The Flying Curmudgeon will be adding an "insider's look," as it were to the discussion. (No, TFC won't be revealing which airline he works for.)

As an amateur historian and a freelance writer, TFC hopes to keep the discussion interesting and relevant. With any luck, we might just learn something. Hopefully, we'll have a good time.

Let's have some fun!


Max Flight said...

Great letter by the "disgusted" flyer. I can just picture this poor guy sitting in 29E, writing as much to take his mind off his misery as to actually produce a complaint letter.

Good luck with the new blog - it ought to be a good read. I'll add you to the Thirty Thousand Feet aviation directory and maybe help push some traffic in your direction.


TFC said...

Thanks, Max.

This is something I've been wanting to do for a while.